Partner in pain
Living with and loving someone who faces chronic pain is a journey I never imagined for myself. In the beginning, I naively believed that my husband’s pain would have a solution—a pill, a surgery, a new doctor who would finally “fix” everything. But as days grew into months and years, I realized that his struggle wasn’t something I could mend or take away no matter how deeply I cared. This realization filled me with a kind of helplessness I’d never known before.
I often wrestled with frustration and guilt. There were days when I’d find myself angry—not at him, but at the situation—wondering why our lives had to revolve around pain management, doctor appointments, and emergency room visits. I felt guilty about my occasional resentment, forgetting at times that my husband carried a far heavier burden than I ever could. It took work to forgive myself for being human and to accept my own emotional reactions as part of this difficult path.
Over time, I began to let go of the idea that my role was to “fix” him. Instead, I focused on being present and listening. Not every pain flare needed advice or a solution; sometimes, he just needed me to hold his hand and quietly acknowledge his suffering. I learned the difference between empathy and sympathy—empathy allowed me to stand alongside him, while sympathy sometimes unwittingly placed distance between us.
We’ve discovered practical tools and behaviors that truly help. Patience is essential—not just with each other, but with ourselves. But patience is also painful. We plan our days flexibly, knowing that schedules might change at a moment’s notice depending on how he’s feeling. I try to celebrate the small victories with him, like a good night’s sleep or a walk around the block. These little wins matter more than I ever realized before.
“Over time, I began to let go of the idea that my role was to ‘fix’ him.”
I’ve also found significant support by seeking out resources for caregivers. Online forums and local support groups have connected me with others who understand this unique struggle. (Tbh, I learned a lot from chatgpt as well!) Just having someone else to talk to—a person who truly “gets it”—makes the emotional load lighter. Therapy, both individual and couple’s, has been a powerful way to process ongoing stress and remind us we’re not alone in this. Of course I was hesitant to embark on that journey. Seeking counseling is equivalent to admitting defeat.
Or so I thought.
Turns out, counseling opened up new doors for our relationship. I learned better ways to communicate with my life partner. He learned better ways to cope. We learned methods that not only relieved his pain, but relieved our pain. Not only was his chronic arthritis painful on a physical level. But it was hurting him deeper than even the bones that were grinding together. He felt he had become a disappointment to me. A disappointment in ways that it hurt him to even share with me.
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Most of all, this journey has taught me compassion—for my husband, for myself, and for everyone fighting invisible battles. Chronic pain reshaped our marriage, but it also made our bond more honest and resilient. (I hope, one day, it may even shape the way our children seek meaningful relationships with others.) We can’t always choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we move through it together. The key words in that sentence being “move” and “together”.
Anonymous testimonial