Grieving is healthy, but at what cost?
Two weeks ago, we lost our dog Kingsley, after his short but brutal battle with lymphoma. He was 11. Kingsley was there when my wife and I brought both our daughters into the world, he consoled us when we’ve been down, he romped around the living room when it was time to play. I even danced with him when my wife worked overnight calls and I was feeling lonely. After he passed, as a physician, I sought to better understand the transition my wife, my kids, and I were making with our health as we coped together.
Grieving the loss of a loved one is a profoundly human experience with a wide range of consequences—both positive and negative. While grief can help individuals move toward acceptance and personal growth, it often brings considerable challenges for mental and physical health. Understanding the multifaceted effects of grief is crucial to supporting oneself and others through this complex journey.
One of the most immediate negative impacts of grief is on sleep and sleep architecture. People experiencing intense grief frequently suffer from lasting daytime fatigue as a consquence of:
Difficulties falling asleep
Frequent nighttime awakenings
Poor sleep quality overall (altered sleep patterns)
Studies show that individuals with complicated grief have significantly higher rates of insomnia and disrupted sleep patterns compared to the general population. These disturbances not only persist for months but may also exacerbate the grieving process, creating a vicious cycle where poor sleep fuels deeper symptoms of grief and vice versa. (But don’t let this keep you up at night! Research shows that grief counseling can restore normal sleep patterns and improve wakefulness.)
Among other pathologic consquences, grief also drastically affects diet and weight. Some individuals may lose their appetite and forget to eat, resulting in significant weight loss, while others might find themselves comfort eating and gaining weight instead. There is even a German word for this—kummerspeck (translation, “grief bacon”). This disruption is mostly driven by emotional exhaustion, decreased motivation, and the fact that the healthy food you previously ate may have lost its appeal. This could be due to either lack of joy or painful reminders of the deceased. Both under-eating and overeating can become problematic, especially if unhealthy cycles persist beyond the short term.
On a physiological level, grieving leads to prominent hormonal changes. Elevated cortisol, known as the primary stress hormone, is observed for at least six months after bereavement, affecting cardiovascular and immune function, as well as overall quality of life. These hormonal shifts may manifest as exhaustion, increased anxiety, or even suppressed immune response—blunting your body’s ability to fight infections. In some cases, there is emerging evidence of broader endocrine changes, which may be particularly important for individuals with hormone-sensitive health conditions.
Grief changes social behaviors as well. Some individuals withdraw from friends and family, finding everyday social interactions too exhausting or superficial, while others may seek increased connection or engage in behaviors aimed at maintaining their bond with the deceased. Social withdrawal is not uncommon, but prolonged isolation can worsen mental health and delay healing. Conversely, positive social support can encourage adaptation and provide emotional relief.
Financial costs represent another often-overlooked burden of grief. Beyond obvious expenses such as funeral and burial costs, families may face reduced household income from the deceased, as well as loss of productivity or work absenteeism among surviving family members, mounting legal fees, and unexpected mental health costs, including therapy for both adults and children. The compounding financial stress at a time of emotional vulnerability often deepens the overall hardship and can prolong the grieving process.
To address the adverse consequences of grieving, it’s important to cultivate healthier coping strategies and seek support when needed. This might include professional help such as grief counseling or cognitive-behavioral therapy, support groups, mindfulness practices, and self-care routines that prioritize sleep hygiene, nutrition, and gentle re-engagement with social life. Interventions tailored specifically to complicated grief have been found to be significantly more effective than standard approaches, pointing to the importance of targeted, compassionate support. While grief inevitably changes those who experience it, with proper support and awareness, its most disruptive effects can be alleviated over time.
For now, Kingsley’s remains are secured in a small wooden urn placed atop our living room mantle, alongside his collar. My wife and I find solace in visiting him there each evening. Even though he is physically gone, his spirit lives on in our home and in our daily lives. With every day that passes, I continue to grieve over his loss, but it hurts less and less as I proactively cope with his absence.